Doubts
I had a lighthearted piece all ready to go this
morning, but at 6 AM I had an anxiety dream and I jumped out of bed to look in
the mirror, convinced my eyes were bleeding. I was suddenly plagued with doubts, not just about the blog post,
but about everything.
Last night I was at a dinner party with five teachers, a
pastor, a social worker and a lawyer. (No, this is not the start of a bad joke.) Three people at the table had published books,
and another has a debut novel coming out next year. Most of
these books are non-fiction, but that's irrelevant. Half of the people in the room had had an
idea, were motivated to write it down, and found someone to publish it. All of them have at least some income from
writing.
I suppose that at another point in my writing life, this impromptu
gathering of literary talent would be inspiring. Instead it threw me into a panic. Am I fooling myself? Do I have the discipline and the talent to
pull this off? What if I never finish
anything? Even if I do, what if
everyone hates it?
I have completed, more or less, the first draft of my book,
but I am in the rewriting phase. I have
been in this phase for over a year. I
have scrapped the entire thing and started over from scratch, twice. I have scrapped the do-overs and gone back to the original. I have started
two other manuscripts instead of working on this one, because there is not much
that is fun about rewriting. It’s hard,
plodding work.
I would like to think that I can sit my ass down
in my chair and finish this book.
Perhaps I can, if only for the immense personal satisfaction that I will get from doing
so. But what if the doubts win?
11 comments:
Bravely posted. And inspiring. Thanks so much.
Keep writing. Never give up. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down and typing a few words to get you going again. Thanks for the post!
At least once a week I have some variation of the thought, "I'm not good enough to do this." It usually stems from seeing a blogger I admire post something amazing, or after I've read a favorite author. Sometimes it's after I've re-read some of my own meandering material and can't find a hint of spark in it. So you're not alone.
Here's the thing: I'm the only person who is ever going to determine if I'm capable or not. As easy as it is to believe that we've been born with some "it" factor that makes us a writer or not, it simply isn't true. The people who succeed at writing are the ones who are willing to work at it and never give up. Everyone else fails.
In the end, the only question that must be answered is: are we willing to work hard and not give up? If we answer yes, we'll succeed, because a million wrong-turns and rejections won't stop us.
Doubts plague the best of us. Wally Lamb wrote that the best advice he got about writing was when someone told him that every story has been told. The only difference between your work and someone else's is your style and take of that story. In other words, you are an original voice that needs to be heard. I know it's easy for me to say, but I'm going to say it anyway: Please, don't let the doubts distract you from giving the world your gift of your writing. One more thing, you are a writer regardless of your publishing creditials. I say that because I've been struggling with this concept myself. Thank you for the brave post!
Thanks so much to everyone for your inspiration and encouragement! After the anxiety this morning, I managed to crank out over a thousand words today, filling in some gaps in the WIP. Perhaps my muse just wants to know she is appreciated. :)
I go through the doubts every day! Each time I go back to a manuscript I haven't seen in a while, I think, "What in God's name am I doing...I can't write!" Then I just start taking chunks and start rewriting...editing...and editing...and editing. And then I think I've got it nailed...I send it to a cp and she sends it back and I'm doubting myself again!
I've gone back to two manuscripts I'd scrapped and rewrote them...a very good learning experience for me.
I wish you luck...and please know...you're not alone in your doubts...I'm right there with you!
I think we all have this fear and you were very brave to write about it and put it out there for all to see. Lani is right. You have a unique voice. Don't let the doubts stop you.
I think we all have the same doubts every single day. Even those of us who can claim to be published.
This sounds so familiar. For years I struggled with the same thing. But don't let ghosts plague you. Allow yourself to put your voice on paper and give readers the opportunity to experience the beauty of your writing.
I am feeling your pain right now! So much. Hang in there, do that writing thing you do and take one day at a time. Virtual hugs from a fellow doubter.
Doubt. Boy you hit a nerve. I think every writer worth their salt has a little self-doubt. And as Nora says, if you don't, go find some.
Never give up, Never surrender. Or my favorite.
Last. Author. Standing.
We're here for you.
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